dirt verse

today I visited with old friends first, no first I had an entire pot of coffee then I visited old friends I left them to see some photography at a local musuem I don't like most of their permanent collection, however I am deep into the karl struss photo gallery especially the (still life with forbidden fruit) I think that is the title well, now I feel better better than that actually because I have a new job and because I saw lovely photos today alone and very alone still life

so I'm still looking to get into a spa, they are all so elite, whatever, so I went to the new MAC store, they are interviewing me next thursday, since I have make-up art experience and a license, maybe they will hire me, who knows, right now I just want to jump off the roof because I'm broke - but there is the necklace I want to buy for my sister because she is my little sister, and because this necklace belongs on her neck, pretty much these are my thoughts, and I'm so jamming to depeche mode this minute.

there's the everyday in the eye of your coffee cup in your labored steps to the next item of the everyday then you see what was the un-see-able and then you want to get inside the coffin with her there's the everyday

listening to two of my favorite artists, and trying to get a grip, paying my bills, I'm coming back, even though early this morning I had an awful nightmare, I'm used to them I'm used to feeling sick, but I'm trying so hard to come back from losing my mother, good God I didn't ever know that it could hurt like that but I'm on my way, and I carry her strength.

here I am talking about breezes and what not, my launch radio busts out with Summer Breeze, Crosby-Stills, whatever. clearly there is no message here, just me thinking there is, and there isn't, not that I care.

I was finishing up my morning coffee outside work, the breeze was too good for me, I don't deserve days like this truth there is the most fantastic tree holding lights and a speaker, it is representing the shopping strip well, what else could I do, I sent it my good engery, because of the beauty, the perfect shade, the perfect sway at 9:35am - so in other words, any nice I might have had went to the tree and I was a cunt the rest of the day, so there.

this morning my grandfather died, around 8:15, my uncle said this loss has me feeling unfinished because he was angry with me these past few months but that's a personal story about hatred that stretches too far... so, I say, good-bye to my grandfather, he was intelligent and clean he made my mother, and she's gone too he made her with my grandma, she's gone too. their conception, their ends. I loved you so much, believe it or not.

i am not content i am furious this is me feeling this unhappy/sick/Jesus help me trying to find the strength

exploring with joseph and isabelle we saw a green worm, suspended by an invisible string, holding a silk ball, but joseph said it was an egg, he knows things like this, I don't we saw a cardinal, but I think that it saw us first, and I saw it as a sign from my Mom, she was watching us, she sent her favorite bird ever to watch us play. and that is life right now, a very deep pain, and surviving under the swift supervision of nature.

april 2nd around 6pm, my new neice was born, she is a sweet baby girl, she joins my nephew and other neice, welcome to this cruel, ugly world you diamond.

here's us, the dad, the big sister, the little sister, little brother, here is her old room, her purse as she left it, her moisturizer, here is the picture she drew for her grand-daughter, here is the brownie she ate last in my car. I don't want to toss it, I just can't. this is me, can't get out of bed, she cries in the shower, here's my life crumbling, here's the 36-year-old, she can't find a better job, she has put on more weight, she can't forget the last moments with her mom, she can't forget them taking her away, driving her away, lowering her down. here's me in the after with my head hung so low. with my head in my hands. and my heart, not what I thought it was. here's me. after you.

my mom: 1944-2006 I had to say good-bye to my Mom after years of serious illness from heart disease to cancer. I would love to commemerate her by telling of her career and other accomplishments, but now as I sit as a lost woman, I recall her smell, her hands at a serious dominos game, and the last night of her life, how hard it was to say good-bye, Mom, I miss you with my entire heart and soul, I've dreamed you twice, I keep sniffing your last blanket, I keep staring at that beautiful picture of you. I'll never forget, never. I'll love you forever and ever. I am so thankful you are no longer in pain, and I want to believe I will see you again. bye Mama.

the link between sanity and insanity is but a snap: almost like a twig beneath your shoe in november and what happens when you can't leave your home because your anger and fear keep you prisoner, and all you want to do is be loved and be good at loving and quit hating everything including the cheap folgers coffee when you really wanted the good stuff from central market or why you can't reach your mother anymore because her pain is rearing it's ugly head over the phone and your siblings don't have much to do with you anymore, why? who really knows, maybe it's because you are becoming the one thing they hate the most but you don't know what that is and in two months you'll be 36 and you still do not have children and you are in financial ruin and you don't have the one thing you really want which is that front porch swing, but first you have to have the front porch. anyway. right?

they remind me of the future their wrinkles and movements and memories I love how the past follows them in the door, and then back out again and how I get to flip through them picture by picture

he held the bottom of my long hair between two fingers, one finger grazing my skin just above my jeans he said, cut it

you said, in a car, in that parking lot, with your sister looking at me like I was a piece of shit, with that look in your eye, I was just a kid, and you were so mean, you said that "life is not the big blue sky and flowers you think it is, stupid, little girl". above it all, disgusted, bitter. that thing you said was wasted on me because I've never looked up at the sky without looking down first and I can kill a flower with only my fucked up energy, just for the record.

my new girlfriend on my patio flicking her cigarette and waving her smoke away but I don't care because I'm laughing at her or with her and she seems to be the only person who will actually speak to me these days besides my lovely love and she always has something to say and it's never all that positive but she puts it into a lovely package with her doe-eyes and her heart-shaped mouth and she is a total boy but she likes fish nets and she loves to smoke and drink coffee with me and she loves the number 6

tonight realized again, because sometimes I actually forget, and fool myself into thinking I am worth something, when I'm not, even though I am on a better path, I self-destruct again and again with only a few words, in only minutes, I am back to the nothing and dirt i've always been and will ever be, that is the truth that pulls me back by ponytail hair. and this is the only thing in my heart tonight.

this is my 50th blog entry, and I must say, I simply adore big, nice round numbers, and now, I will go off to bed and stare at my husband for hours life is a sweet bitch at times.

were a tree bending over, accepting of high winds, with my beautiful willow branches scratching the ground, never asleep, always alive in the way dirt is if I could sleep without something to swallow, if my head would just let me go