dirt verse

as I approach my late/late 30's..... -found a new and deep wrinkle between my eyes no one can see it but me, but that is not what matters, because the fucker is there -I smell just delightful in a very old Chanel fragrance, I think that life has to happen before Coco will suit a woman. a woman like me

as I said. and seriously now, it seems I look around me and find no friend, no ear. my husband's, but that's different. so I get scared because I love him the most, but I think I forgot to make friends with myself. so I look at myself at age 15 or 50, what is that on my chin? and why does my face look like that when I half-heartedly laugh. no wonder no one will speak to her. and why does she smell like garlic when she doesn't even have the balls to cook with real-live garlic, just the powder. she is not woman enough either. no wonder no one will speak to her.

my spirit low my mind causing me great mistrust. all thoughts I keep for when i am higher

Today I heard a mother talking to her newborn son she didn't know I was listening she told him all about her day she called him 4 names, all very soft names I could hear her smile and tighten him to her chest she said, you suck like a mad man. she swaddled him in her dress she had an accent like a porch light, a guide for her baby I suppose and I envied him with his small nostrils and lips full of yellow milk his mother blazing a sunny kiss across his head and in that moment I remembered nothing about childhood except the pink parts my mother would sometimes butter me with she always saved the red heart of the watermelon for one of us never for herself she would hand me the shiny lesson, looking directly in my eyes she said this was the best part she said I should eat it before it stopped beating.

I am bad milk you are the duct blocking me the insect soiree that is my womanhood today

how appropriate- -I promise to not leave a trace of myself around no place like this anyway I swear to never leave anything I will take it higher between other stories I tell washing the air to a squeak and tear it down again-

I hear the white noise when my chin points down and the spirit living above me pulls away a smidge to get a look at what is on my desk and on my mind maybe look through my pockets to find fragments of fountain drinks and sugar-free chocolate, which was not free, nor do I feel free.

time to recover from pain, and with a full heart, a throat that will not part with tears. maybe I've let them all go, who knows. I could use some girltime with chicks I love. right this minute, that is the potion that can set this Mexican free. lunch with T again sounds mighty good, good like the wind that caught me smiling today.

you take the tingle in my bottom lip and make it spawn a certain slime and wittyword you are the headspace and story I have always wanted to hear and recite to a crowd oh, and I hate crowds you are the most and nothing in my stomach and groin this is what I get for saying I'm unhappy. (for my husband)

I still swallow my tongue and choke on the salt my heart likes to re-route I think about you too much I wish I would not wonder how my life would have turned out if .

she eats two bananas back to back. loves her job. hates her fat roll. but loves her eyebrows. a silver lining when she hears the familiar moan from the belly of her dwelling the phone rang twice twice she decides people disgust her. one banana left.

dead I'll be. if I lose you. so don't go. God, are you listening again.

for isabelle to read when she is older - This is a letter for you; events that took place over the course of a few days that you and I spent together. August 28th, 2006, you were about 13 months old or so, and just delicious. We went home to see your grandpa, my dad. I had not taken full care of a baby since years and years. But there we were, and I'm like trying to figure out again how to administer your tylenol without choking you to death in the process. And I have to remember you get hungry more often than I would, and that your food has to be cut smaller than the size of your trachea so you don't choke to death. Also your diaper filled up quick because you drank lots of liquids constantly like your daddy. I want you to know how much I held you close to me and said I love you over and again. For two days in Eden with grandpa, the three of us visited and had so much fun. Dad and I were in awe of your intelligence and also that you were so funny. You liked to whisper words on

put me in a rare mood. and the echo & the bunnymen song also both songs a rare mood indeed. (you play tricks on my mind, you're everywhere, but you're so hard to find) that's foreigner for those also in rare moods.

for $5, you get all your problems solved the number is on a little, humble sign that sits on collins & lamar by the wholefoods. i'm not calling, but as i pass through my life and my erands. I really stop to look. the witch deserves that i think.

"when I find my peace of mind, I'm gonna give you some of my good time." red hot chili peppers/soul to squeeze

I would love to be able to sing like robert plant or ann wilson as I hold my spatula rock style

our new place, the husband loves it, but that's him, loving, beautiful asleep or awake and me, takes awhile but I have made 4 meals here, and burning two fantastic candles trying to shove myself into the corners even I'm one of those the husband loves it because he is wonderful and I'm not

moving from old apt to new one in two days. and I want to honor my life here for the past 5yrs. if this place has a soul, if this place was flesh, maybe it would be I don't know sad that we're leaving. so to my home now, I hold in honor all your creeks and pulls and push the sounds that happen as you settle in accepting me as a nude accepting me as I write/create and saying goodbye to us.

celebrating my youngest sibling's birthday: 1. the two of us 2. guiness & gin 3. pool table, many accidents 4. people to make fun of 5. TX heat 6. friends we love

my friend Six, I miss her so much. she is a twisted, pretty one. and seriously, I just miss her terribly. are you out there waiting for me to say something first you asshole.

searching my self and skin pore by pore having coffee cup after cup always annoyed but astonished by the beauty that persists in spite of me

as far as my laundry goes, that I had the good sense, which is unlike me, to buy a big jug of extra stain remover - this way I'm not fucked when I find tomato gunk around the tit area of like everything I own. I love that I have tried a new laundry detergent- it is addicting to me, smelling of gardenias, I'm intoxicated. and I love the softner sheets, although I use so many per load, that my clothes are slippery, I could actually spin inside my shirts- if I were so inclined.

I kept meaning to thank tammy for having lunch with me at the lovely Italian restaurant -staring at her hair across the table, wishing I could live inside it for one day. -and I got to meet for the first time an older, beautiful, French gentlemen, waiting our table, I hung on his every word, and sniffed the air that came from his smoky, cologned skin.

each day I see this guy - on my way home from work. he's this odd young man, he wears a wife-beater, long shorts, bandana, but that's not the odd thing. . . . he dons a yellow snake with faint brownish spots around his neck. a fat snake, really long too. in his right hand, a leash, attached to a pit bull. they all seem to froth at the mouth. today he looked me right in the eye, even though I'm in my car making a right hand turn as speedy as possible. and I what I want is to get rid of that image. odd huh.

monday: at the park with my Joseph. he picked up two large branches to clear the brush ahead- and off we went to explore trails by the muddy river. I watched as he climbed down to see a turtle and to watch him comtemplate life he's only 9, and he sits on a rock by the water, with his soft face in a small palm and I wonder what he is thinking of course, but I don't ask because I think he was on that rock belonging to himself that is a life lesson very early in life old soul that he is as we exited the park, we saw another cardinal, or maybe the same one. Joseph saw it first - and I know this sounds reduntant, but I know my mother's spirit was there again

today I visited with old friends first, no first I had an entire pot of coffee then I visited old friends I left them to see some photography at a local musuem I don't like most of their permanent collection, however I am deep into the karl struss photo gallery especially the (still life with forbidden fruit) I think that is the title well, now I feel better better than that actually because I have a new job and because I saw lovely photos today alone and very alone still life

so I'm still looking to get into a spa, they are all so elite, whatever, so I went to the new MAC store, they are interviewing me next thursday, since I have make-up art experience and a license, maybe they will hire me, who knows, right now I just want to jump off the roof because I'm broke - but there is the necklace I want to buy for my sister because she is my little sister, and because this necklace belongs on her neck, pretty much these are my thoughts, and I'm so jamming to depeche mode this minute.

there's the everyday in the eye of your coffee cup in your labored steps to the next item of the everyday then you see what was the un-see-able and then you want to get inside the coffin with her there's the everyday

listening to two of my favorite artists, and trying to get a grip, paying my bills, I'm coming back, even though early this morning I had an awful nightmare, I'm used to them I'm used to feeling sick, but I'm trying so hard to come back from losing my mother, good God I didn't ever know that it could hurt like that but I'm on my way, and I carry her strength.

here I am talking about breezes and what not, my launch radio busts out with Summer Breeze, Crosby-Stills, whatever. clearly there is no message here, just me thinking there is, and there isn't, not that I care.

I was finishing up my morning coffee outside work, the breeze was too good for me, I don't deserve days like this truth there is the most fantastic tree holding lights and a speaker, it is representing the shopping strip well, what else could I do, I sent it my good engery, because of the beauty, the perfect shade, the perfect sway at 9:35am - so in other words, any nice I might have had went to the tree and I was a cunt the rest of the day, so there.

this morning my grandfather died, around 8:15, my uncle said this loss has me feeling unfinished because he was angry with me these past few months but that's a personal story about hatred that stretches too far... so, I say, good-bye to my grandfather, he was intelligent and clean he made my mother, and she's gone too he made her with my grandma, she's gone too. their conception, their ends. I loved you so much, believe it or not.

i am not content i am furious this is me feeling this unhappy/sick/Jesus help me trying to find the strength

exploring with joseph and isabelle we saw a green worm, suspended by an invisible string, holding a silk ball, but joseph said it was an egg, he knows things like this, I don't we saw a cardinal, but I think that it saw us first, and I saw it as a sign from my Mom, she was watching us, she sent her favorite bird ever to watch us play. and that is life right now, a very deep pain, and surviving under the swift supervision of nature.

april 2nd around 6pm, my new neice was born, she is a sweet baby girl, she joins my nephew and other neice, welcome to this cruel, ugly world you diamond.

here's us, the dad, the big sister, the little sister, little brother, here is her old room, her purse as she left it, her moisturizer, here is the picture she drew for her grand-daughter, here is the brownie she ate last in my car. I don't want to toss it, I just can't. this is me, can't get out of bed, she cries in the shower, here's my life crumbling, here's the 36-year-old, she can't find a better job, she has put on more weight, she can't forget the last moments with her mom, she can't forget them taking her away, driving her away, lowering her down. here's me in the after with my head hung so low. with my head in my hands. and my heart, not what I thought it was. here's me. after you.

my mom: 1944-2006 I had to say good-bye to my Mom after years of serious illness from heart disease to cancer. I would love to commemerate her by telling of her career and other accomplishments, but now as I sit as a lost woman, I recall her smell, her hands at a serious dominos game, and the last night of her life, how hard it was to say good-bye, Mom, I miss you with my entire heart and soul, I've dreamed you twice, I keep sniffing your last blanket, I keep staring at that beautiful picture of you. I'll never forget, never. I'll love you forever and ever. I am so thankful you are no longer in pain, and I want to believe I will see you again. bye Mama.