I'll work
until I'm no longer able
walk
until I'm no longer able
Speak this written language I've come to trust more than memory.
keep secrets I've long forgotten, including my own.
and mama, I've got so many.
make mountains out of mohills,
see I already know balance doesn't exist -
and how irrational it is to search for it.
--I stay up late, later than what you think late is,
later than that, motherfucker.
next day carry out the impossible,
surviving on just caffeine and sugary treats.
blame my headache on the drop in barometric pressure
I tell people when they ask, I'm delicate like that.
except that I'm not.
All I really ever aim for is freedom, to be set free.
from my first breath, I've only belonged to myself....
until my last, I'll only belong to you..
until then, expect this:
snickering
toile
crying hard
misbehaving
smoking
planning
dreaming
watching trees
missing the ocean
misreading gestures,
until I'm no longer able.
with most my life behind,
mulled over.
but this year,
this age,
this time,
is not yet the time.
I decided to watch a black and white movie alone. I love doing that because I love b/w movies, and it makes me feel like my mother is watching with me. Sometimes I'll even ask her questions. And I wonder if my husband will hear me speaking to myself and wonder why. "mom, who's that actor?" sometimes I look around to see if maybe she decides to answer me. from up there. tell me things about this movie no one else would know. because they aren't movie people like us. a few nights ago I fell asleep. and then the darkness came with the fear that likes to rent space inside my heart, the scared piece of it. the smell of fear in my nose and on my tongue. I woke to the acrid air, my lips mumbling. I know it's that damn couch that likes to give me nightmares. falsely lulling me. black and white movie music. until I feel shaky and sick. but I can't tell won't ever tell what happened in that bad bad dream. those are words I don't dare ...
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