the highest damage is a lie the light will spill

Perpetual light never mixes to serve a rainbow worth real sadness. Sadness has a light of it's own, buried within the marble of a thunderbolt. A statement I believe today for various reasons, one being the loss of control and tightness in my chest from knowing the earth spins beneath me whether I'm still or on my way to save her.

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anyway

now I'm scared that if I actually leave, I'll never come home again, I'm going to make a list of what I need to do today and tomorrow just to function, first by getting off this fucking computer, out of control again, heads up

black and white

I decided to watch a black and white movie alone. I love doing that because I love b/w movies, and it makes me feel like my mother is watching with me. Sometimes I'll even ask her questions. And I wonder if my husband will hear me speaking to myself and wonder why. "mom, who's that actor?" sometimes I look around to see if maybe she decides to answer me. from up there. tell me things about this movie no one else would know. because they aren't movie people like us. a few nights ago I fell asleep. and then the darkness came with the fear that likes to rent space inside my heart, the scared piece of it. the smell of fear in my nose and on my tongue. I woke to the acrid air, my lips mumbling. I know it's that damn couch that likes to give me nightmares. falsely lulling me. black and white movie music. until I feel shaky and sick. but I can't tell won't ever tell what happened in that bad bad dream. those are words I don't dare ...

a letter to each of you.

I'm so happy I catalogued each of your looks as they progressed. I have rested my head in my palm for half hours, just documenting each eyelash, the plump of your cheeks, the sweet slice of chubbiness under your chin. I've told you how much I love your teeth, and studied strands of hair. I know the exact brown of your eyes, every little amber fleck, and I love as they grow lighter as you laugh, and dark chocolate when you get frustrated. how the light in the room looks for you. and the look in your eye when you're about to jump and make my heart drop out of my own chest. but it's always too late when I say no. and you always land. all of this is called love. and I want to say thank you for letting me be your auntie. Love, nano

dirt verse

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